That summer I slept a lot, got officially hired as an RA and only swam once, wearing baggy shorts over my tightly fitting one piece. But I did begin to give myself permission to become familiar with my body. I looked at myself in the mirror after showering and with a kind attitude I noticed new stretch marks and the way my hips billowed out. I touched my thighs, rubbed lotion on my arms; not in some sexual way but to become comfortable with my body or else I would only continue to hate it.
Before spring semester began, I made myself a deal to eat salads for lunch four days a week. I stuck to that pretty well, sometimes even eating seven salads a week instead of high in sugar granola bars or oily pasta from the cafeteria. (I will stress the importance of proper knife usage and using a cutting board because I was dumb and well… let’s just say the knife won and I “won” twelve stitches in my left thumb.)
The last six weeks of school, I lost the habit of salads. I stopped eating them as much so the spinach went bad and then I didn’t prioritize going grocery shopping. Then Parker was murdered. A different eating problem began. I was never hungry and only ate if other people invited me to eat with them. Thanksgiving break started five days later and I was with my family constantly so I consistently ate and also imbibed in holiday treats. Back to campus I ate whatever was around; treats in the Res Life office, getting fast food with a friend and lots of sugary things during finals week.
In the blink of an eye, I was home again. December had snuck up on me. During the semester, my roommate came to visit and said I looked noticeably slimmer. My clothes fit more comfortably. My sleeping schedule was pretty consistent and I kept two different fruits in my mini fridge at all times (usually apples and raspberries). I was comfortable with my body and I had learned to appreciate how awesome it is.
I went to the doctor in December. I was experiencing unexplainable fatigue and irritability. All my blood tests came back normal, although I’m a little low on iron and vitamin D. This week I have a sleep apnea test scheduled. For three weeks when I had no responsibilities and was sleeping up to eleven hours every night, I realized how bad the fatigue was. Previously I could blame it on staying up late the day prior but now I have no idea why. I’m not sure when it started either, because of the occasional irregularity of school. Today, the fatigue has mostly lifted. I no longer take four hour naps a few hours after waking up and I actually feel self-motivated to do things I enjoy. Perhaps I was just recovering from an intense semester. *I was/am not experiencing depression, dehydration, thyroid issues, or vitamin deficiency.*
I was weighed in at 180 pounds. Losing twenty pounds in about a year is pretty awesome saying I didn't exercise or change my habits all that much. Sleep regularity, plenty of water intake, less bingeing, more fruits and veggies and being honest about my health all helped me lose one third of the weight I had gained in six months. Today, I can honestly say I love my body. I love how I’m beginning to take care of it. I love how I dress it and wear subtle makeup that flatters me. I love me. I think I’m damn cute too.
I still have bad body days when I don’t like myself. But I will never let it get to the level of self-loathing that ultimately made me want to binge more. God has put some amazing people in my life who love me, He has shown me through His Word what my real worth is and He’s also led me to several books that helped shape how I think today. If only I could tell January 2014 me how much progress she was making, even then in an unbelievably insecure place. She needed to be kinder with herself. She still needs to be kinder to herself.
Lord, I need you daily. Help my doctor figure out why I’m so tired sometimes. Help me become healthier, more humble and more loving this year. I am expecting a year of growth so don’t disappoint me. Thank you for your grace that I don't deserve but you willing lavish upon me anyway.
-your Daughter