I drove myself to church, just me in the car on the freeway. Shaky legs and arms but I did it! My high school theater “mom” sat next to me. One of the worship songs, Like a Tidal Wave, was not doing it for her. She leaned over and whispered, “This song always reminds me of Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball. Not a good song.” I don’t see the resemblance besides a somewhat similar progression into the chorus but it's not a good song.
During the first song though, I had a weird moment. I felt able to believe in Christianity, to buy into the love Jesus thing. I stayed open and non-judgmental to this feeling and it fled real quick. Biblical inerrancy? God testing Moses by coercing him into sacrificing his son and then last-minute saying “Sike! Here’s a goat”? What a wretched god. But into the sermon done by the head pastor: Matthew 14:22-36.
“I’m wondering if anyone here could use a miracle.” He listed off physical healing, relational healing, a job, etc. “I can’t promise you you’ll get the miracle, but-“ he rattled off the importance of getting as close to god as possible and trying anyway. It didn’t sell me.
“Obeying Jesus does not guarantee you a life without storms.” Hm. Still not sold on the Jesus thing. “I do exactly what he wants me to do and I still get in a storm… that’s called life… for us to have the ability to walk on water, he makes us wait.” A video was played earlier in the service, I didn’t think it would be relevant, but now he’s referring to it. A man told his testimony and how his wife prayed for him to get his act together and then god saved him. “She waited 6 years” before her husband accepted god and stepped up to be a father and decent husband to her. This woman did not deserve being basically a single mother while her husband did as he pleased. I would not have faulted her if she had divorced him. She deserved more. And god took his damn sweet time providing for her. Fuck that god.
“God’s most common instruction is fear not. 366 times [in the Bible]. One for every day of the year.” I Googled this, this uncited claim I’ve heard over and over (although usually they say 365 days, not 366). And there’s no proof. One post found less than 100, including variations of do not be afraid.
“Don’t live your life controlled by worry, anxiety, and fear. It’s not helpful and it’s not healthy.” It’s not healthy to conflate the occasional blip of fear with anxiety disorders, or sadness with depression. Yet you do so with regularity. How much do you really care about health? He shared an anecdote about how maybe in heaven god would show a DVD of all the times we were held back by fear. “What could have been, what should have been if you lived a life of faith.” What a shitty god. To torture you in heaven, with how your decisions could have played out if god had just controlled you like a little puppet. Why believe in this god??
“In scripture, fear is the literal opposite of faith.” Firstly, where in scripture does it say that explicitly. Secondly fuck off. Do I want to live a life of anxiety? No! And mine isn’t even that bad. I do not choose to be so anxious I prevented myself from learning how to drive until 21. This is not a choice. And all my years of faith, I had so much fear. That never diminished my faith, it just broke my heart that I didn’t “trust” god enough to shut down my anxiety like all my pastors said I could if I just focused more on Jesus and others and less on me. Fuck all of that bullshit.
“Some of us are like ‘Oh god is so great and he’ll take care of me’ and need a little bit more reason. And those who don’t do anything without charts and a list… you gotta have more faith… you need a miracle? You need both reason and faith.” You said in your opener that you couldn’t guarantee the miracles we pray for but now you’re telling me if I have both reason and faith it’s possible..? And that miracles aren’t possible if I don’t have those things? Yet miracles happen all the time to non-Christians. Or even, people of other religions.
“Question. In the midst of your storm, who are you focused on?... from the world’s perspective or God? What you focus on may very well lead to your outcome… Whatever your focused on is gonna getcha.” What does this mean, this veiled and non-detailed threat??
“I’m not asking you to guilt you, you know me, that’s not my style. How many minutes did you pray last week?” Sorry, I might track my period and how often I wash my hair and how many times I masturbate but I don’t log the minutes I pray. And yes, that’s guilting, if not religious shaming, even with the caveat.
“As someone who cares for you, I dare you to pray double next week… see what happens to you, to your community… I’m talking about putting your life back together. Did Peter fail? I guess so, but the 11 in the boat were bigger failures!” Okay, Jesus only told Peter to walk on the water, he did not invite the others. The verse (Matthew 14:29) is pretty pointed right at Peter, not an open invitation type situation. But I will pray double the amount I prayed last week. Zero times two is still zero.
“Out of all the disciples, whose faith grew the most? You can’t fear failure!” Watch me. I do all the time, and I can still try to do what I’m afraid of failing. It’s weird, I can experience emotions and act on them or do the Thing and honor my feelings at the same time. I can be afraid of driving and still do the 8 minute drive even though I’m terrified someone will intentionally run into me, killing me. These obtrusive thoughts I have when I drive- I drive anyway. Maybe not every day, I can only push myself so much, but I honor both my desire to be independent and my fears.
“He does need you to pray and be obedient [for a miracle to happen].” While I can’t think of any off the top of my head, I definitely can remember plenty of stories about atheists being saved or being healed and they did neither prayer or obey god’s commands. Explain that one.
“Understand that ultimately it’s about god’s glory, not my comfort… our value is based upon what Jesus says you are, and his claim on your life.” No one claims my life. It’s mine. And no, in the Christian faith, my worth isn’t just about being god’s child but staying pure and following god without hesitation. And my “comfort” oh yeah, how dare I have limits. It’s almost like now that I don’t follow a religion I value and respect myself and my boundaries. Weird how it took leaving the evangelical church for me to do that. *Not that weird since no evangelical church I’ve ever went to has taught me to respect and communicate my boundaries.*
Let’s do a little 2018 resolutions update! I’ve already read three books this year, and half way done with a fourth (I don’t know if this is more books than last year as I didn’t track it, but I am reading more regularly which was the point). I’m working on completing all 27 credits by keeping my grades up. I drove on the freeway all by my lonesome! And I’ve been chugging away at the second draft of my memoir (maybe one month this year I will manage to write 6 days a week, but I am writing more this month than last, and definitely more than last semester). The only goal I’ve really lost my muster for is making real meals more often. But March is just around the corner. New months always give me a boost. I will do some Good Christian Housewife meal planning in March to make sure I eat more vegetables 😉 Much love to you from California,
-Rachel