Since I didn't write you a letter on Sunday, Belle, you get to hear about my weird stomach illness. Content warning: descriptions of poop. I had several days of really horrid diarrhea, food aversion, nausea, really fun stuff. And on the sixth day, the poop was clear (Genesis 1:31- New Rachel Translation).
Clear poop. Weirdest shit of my life, literally and figuratively. So I called the advise nurse. She was fantastic. Her advice was sub-par (call again on Monday if it doesn't clear up and drink water. Monday I was golden! Tuesday we went back to shitting six times a day. So I called again. This time, I got a doctor who prescribed me antibiotics and asked me to pick up a poop test to do before taking the meds.
I picked up my meds and my little poop test kit and mentally prepared to poop in a paper cup, scoop some of that poop with a tiny spoon into a plastic vial with weird liquid that was literally poison (the label said so). The next morning, I did the deed. I pooped in a cup. Belle, were you so sheltered you never heard of the two girls one cup video? For the love of the avocados do not Google it. I didn't watch it but my friend did, when it first came out. Two girls poop in a cup and eat it, apparently but I have no idea I didn't watch it please don't torture yourself.
So I thought of this, the whole time I was pooping in the cup and scooping the poop with the little spoon and if poop isn't gross enough, the idea of eating poop was EXTRA gross. But I survived. And didn't even vomit. I delivered my poop sample within two hours and payed ten dollars for them to take it.
THE TESTS WERE NORMAL. I had wildly horrendous shits for 14 days, did a home-poop test, took giant, bitter, horse-pill sized antibiotics twice and day for ten days for no reason. I pooped in a fucking cup for nothing!! My intestines did get their shit together, kind of, I've never been a great pooper- and it's been over a month since this debacle but I am still bitter about it.
This Sunday I won't be at church either, cause I will be at your place <3 Maybe we will do something tragically hysterical for me to write about for the blog....