I am hella glad the first atheist I met, or at least the first one who told me directly, was not sexually active. That was the big evil sin (that I didn't understand at all because why would I need sex ed if I wasn't supposed to be having sex lolz) and this new friend of mine didn't believe in God and yet, didn't do the big evil sin? She taught me morals come from more than just a fear of hell. And quite frankly, I think kind atheists are way cooler than kind religious people, cause they are just kind to be kind, not out of obedience to God or fear of hell.
I was raised in a predominantly white environment- and not because my county is mostly white cause it isn't, but the church and homeschool co-op and most of my parents friends were white (and republican). That was my circle. I was raised without being taught to evaluate my gut reaction to other people who aren't white. My parents (and therefore I) watched a disgustingly biased news channel that showed the worst examples of black people, and only the worst ones. This news channel had commentators say awful things about Jewish people. Women. Muslims. Poor people. I was taught to be a bigot against black people explicitly, and subtly toward everyone who was not white. I inherently trusted white people more than anyone else.
I was also taught a lot of ingrained misogyny and I believe this is where a lot of my self-loathing stems from. I was never going to be good enough to be a pastor, to serve God in that capacity (no part of me wanted to be a children's pastor, the only pastoral role filled by women at my church). Maybe I would be good enough to marry a pastor, and be a good pastor's wife. Why would God make me a girl if girls can't impact the world like pastors can? (Note: I am not trans, my gender matches my sex, but the sexist hierarchy made me feel like women were second class, therefore I was second class and less important than men.) No matter how much I served I was not good enough. I could not be good enough, I didn't have a penis and all the magical leadership abilities that come with penises (Not that I had seen a post-puberty penis at this point in my life, so I didn't even know what it looked like. Maybe penises all come stamped with "Leader" along the shaft, IDK. This is also an example of how my bigotry toward trans people began. I was taught you were the gender you were assigned at birth, all boys had penises, all girls had vulvas {not that I was even taught the word "vulva" until college SMH}).
I do not have to tell you about how awful evangelical churches are toward gay people. I was so terrified of gay people. I can't tell you what I thought gay people would do to me, but I was legitimately afraid for my safety for the first 15 years of my life. Until a friend came out to me. And I realized how dumb my fear was. At the time, I thought her "acting" on her gayness was the sin, but I loved her and she loved me and she was a great friend. So I stayed friends with her even though she had a girlfriend and I didn't try to convince her my conviction had to be her conviction.
I am incredibly privileged. I am white. I have always known my next meal, had hot water and heat, reliable transportation. I am cis gendered. Straight sized (and have been for almost my entire life besides a two year period that led me to learn about body positive and fatphobia). I have a college degree. I am currently able-bodied. Most of my life, I belonged with the dominant religion. I have to educate myself about other experiences, because of my privilege. Not only was I sheltered because of my education, I am still sheltered because of my privilege. I am a bigot, because I don't have to think about the margins.
And even with my self-education, the documentaries I've watched, the blogs I follow, I still am a bigot. I say and think awful things about entire groups of people. I am a bigot because of my upbringing but not just because of it. I am a bigot because I still have shit I need to learn. College was a big step for me, to start that journey. A chance to meet more than one gay person, several asexual people, people who had lots of sex outside of marriage, and all of them were complicated, wonderful people and made great friends. My freshman roommate was the second atheist I met-- or at least the second who told me they were atheist. I chose a non-religious college, I felt called to it, and it wasn't the Holy Spirit. It was my desire to grow, at least that's what I like to think it was.
I still have work to do. I have a lot to dismantle, decades-worth of habitual ways of thinking about people not like me, to break. I am the privileged white woman who wasn't really "woke" until Trump. I knew our society was fucked up, but I didn't know how the United States blatantly favors white, straight people. I didn't know. I am ashamed for the people I voted for in my first election in 2012 (I did vote for Obama, but I chose red all the way down the ticket besides that). I am ashamed for the damage I have done, the way I have contributed to this hateful world with my words.
This is not me patting myself on the back for getting it now. I don't deserve gold stars for finally beginning to treat all people with human decency and voting for legislation (and politicians) that would tax me more so others can get adequate healthcare and food. It's about damn time I woke up and treated everyone with basic human dignity. It's not enough to avoid using hate slurs. I've got to do more. White people as a whole have to do more.