I am chugging away at my final project for my grad program; trying to complete all my prep work in December so January can be spent drafting and editing. It’s going well so far. I just read a book called Finish: Give Yourself the Gift od Done, and I’ve been approaching my schedule with the author’s main tenants: set a goal, half it or double the timeline. So I’ve broken up my organizing into each semester then sub-organized per class and now I’m just trying to go through one or two classes each day I don’t work eight hours. I don’t want to burn myself out, but I need to make the spring semester as easy as possible since I’m going fulltime (and everyone I tell this to looks so terrified for me). Enough about school and schedules! I’m finally in a place to put words to an interaction I had over a month ago.
Can I talk about the balm a wholesome, happy, and not-creepily appreciative Christian man is? It's almost enticing, this brief interaction. A man looking me in the eyes, asking me good questions without trying to "sneakily" monopolize my time, like "where can I browse for books for my Bible study" not "the sound on my computer, which you just fixed, isn't working again and I definitely muted it myself just so I can get you to stand next to me again." Eye contact with a smile so bright. Calling me amazing, not because of my body or my clothing but he thinks I'm amazing at my job- and I am. I am pointing out the resources our library system offers, the ones I think he will most likely use if he knew about them.
He asked for a high five as a way of solidifying an awesome librarianship transaction. Belle, it was wonderful. I walked away feeling good about myself, confident about my career. And nostalgic. I was supposed to find and marry someone like him- we were supposed to. I haven't felt this so deeply, the desire to go back. To pretend I believe that way, and fool some God Christian Man TM into believing I’m a Good Christian Woman TM and can just get right up on that life path again. It would be easy. And comfortable. But not fulfilling. And in no way could I fool anyone! I’ve spent the last few years letting myself be as emotional and curious and passionate as I want, on whatever topics. I can’t stuff that back in a box.
But this patron interaction stirred up a romanticized idea I hadn’t considered since that day we went to a Quaker church my junior year of college. Regression is part of healing, so I’m ticking this whole experience as a small relapse and not judging myself or bullying myself away from it. I haven’t had the thought since, have you had weird moments like this? Give me a call sometime, use me as an excuse to sneak out of family time! Much love,
-Rachel