I dragged my ass to church. I can't keep skipping without my dad eventually concern trolling me and forcing me to have a "conversion" with him about my soul (which would be him telling me to do what he thinks I should do without regard for my reasons for stopping. I get it, he's worried about my eternal soul. But it's annoying and rude).
During the first song, a man at least as old as my dad checked me out. The whole, bounced eyes up and down and up. Fuck him. I don't care if he thought my white dress was immodest or gross because it clung to my six pounds of stomach fat or he wanted a better image to wank off to later but fuckityfuckhim. And then the next song started, triggering what I used to call conviction but now know the real term: anxiety. I'ma unpack that for you. This line in particular always made me cry in church, cry whether or not I was having a bad day, cry whether or not I wanted to: "You are here, you are here, in your presence I'm made whole." I thought my tears were a sign from god to worship him for making me whole and new after I was molested as a preschooler. But that was never what this song did. It was a slap in the face, another reminder of my impurity and disgustingness, I was worthless yet god loved me anyway (what kind of god thinks their creation is worthless..?). My religion taught me I was a chewed up piece of gum, tape without stickiness, a crumpled rose, that I would have no "apples" to offer my husband from my "basket." The church taught me I was un-whole, when I was never un-whole to begin with. Purity culture, this church's obsession with female obedience and teaching us girls our future husbands own us and our bodies, destroyed me more than the abuse I experienced. So fuck that song, too.
During announcements the associate pastor took a dig at the other large evangelical church in this area. It was in jest but I don't think this represents the Christian unity they claim to have. Then he talked about bible study groups, one being for the ladies to gather and work on craft projects. Only the ladies was the implication. What is with this obsession with gender and gender dividing? Get a hobby. Maybe start a craft project, pastor.
Oh god the offering was taken before the sermon. If this sermon is on money I will be getting drunk tomorrow for my birthday #jesusmakesmedrink #23. I'm using hashtags in honor of the title of this series of sermons: #struggles, a continuation of social media and technology bashing. Last week was on the same theme (I asked someone who did attend that service), how does he have three sermons worth of bullshit to blow on this?
The hell is this first study. How on earth would scientists be able to deduce "we" care 40% less about others than two decades ago (I think I found the study here but who knows, he didn't give many details on it)? How do you conceptualize and track that? Apparently the study found it was from people becoming selfie-centered whatever the fuck that means, less personal interaction reduces emotional response (I don't not hang out with people because of social media), and exposure to suffering desensitizes us. Pastor, you tell shitty, violent stories as sermon anecdotes all the time so apologize for desensitizing us. Holy avocados he just admitted he responded with more compassion to a man telling him he lost his job in person, than if he read about it online. That's YOUR problem, sir. I see a friend share heartache via message or tweet and I reach out to them. I'm not heartless like you. Textual words matter to me.
How do you know selfies are the number one picture posted online? Where are you getting that data? Cite your goddamn sources! Also, why is that bad? Jesus, now he's claiming more people died taking selfies than by shark attacks. Given that very few people die from sharks, this isn't a far comparison but also, what data do you have, Pastor? He showed a screen cap of an article and I just looked it up. It cited NOTHING, not that I expect an article on a site called adweek.com to have sources. Belle, would you take adweek.com as a reliable source for a psychology paper? To read about a scientific study, and expect it to not be skewed or missing information from the study its explaining?
"This week you will have an interaction with a classmate, with a... You will bump into someone and I want you to remember your savior. Go and do likewise." This literally sounds like a horoscope. He listed other types of people we might run into which I cut for brevity but he's vague enough that of course I will run into one person in a bad place and have the opportunity to be a good friend or be an asshole. And then I need to what? Praise god for bringing me this suffering person and guiding me to kindness? How about god, why the hell do you allow suffering to your children and expect me to do therapy for your fucked up kids when I have my own shit to process?
I could reiterate the sentences on warped information, undisclosed details on the study, biases in the researchers, untrustworthy sites to get info after every study he sites... All of his studies and facts he says from the pulpit line up with his beliefs so closely, hes gotta be cherry-picking and ignoring the limitations of the studies itself. I don't blindly trust him anymore. Not since all my professors made me do my due diligence and critically analyze my information and SITE MY DAMN SOURCES.
Some of his points line up with minimalist beliefs, and are just self care tips. Humans do need rest and in our world that means setting time aside for it in our schedules. Turning off notifications on apps is helpful for people with ADHD or other compulsion disorders. That's setting realistic boundaries for yourself. All the millennials I know don't have all the notifications on. They're annoying and overwhelming. Listening to your body and adjusting behaviors when you are overwhelmed or whatever is taking care of your body and brain! This is so important. You can say this, pastor, without out of context info and being a shamelord.
"We give off, as Paul said, an aroma of Christ." So christians have a specific smell. Do we all need to buy the same shampoo or something like how all the Mormons wear the same underwear?
"Do my posts compromise my Christian witness?" Jesus, I remember being so terrified of my actions being a sin or being perceived as a sin. Not today, pastor! "Rubbing alcohol stings a little-" this is his justification for "convicting" us before reading a list of 12 things we good christians should never do on social media. Some of it is good advice, like don't be passive aggressive with emojis and words are powerful. But then it went shame-central about what is TMI and should be kept private.
"We don't want to hear about your surgery. We don't wanna see pictures of your wounds." The only updates I get on my grandma's failing health is online (not the one who passed away, the one going into surgery tomorrow). I appreciate updates.gr "Its not appropriate to the entire Facebook world!" Pastor, you think almost everything is inappropriate. You think almost everything is sin, you think me cleaning the bathroom for myself instead of for the lord is a sin. Your barometer is too damn high.
"Don't share or believe everything you read... If its not from a reputable source, be careful. Even Christian stuff!" So you think adweek.com is a reputable enough source to include in a sermon? Okay then.
"On FB, are you a peace maker or a conflict maker? Do your posts rile people up?" Some shit is worth riling people up about. Some shit is so awful the HUMAN response is to be riled.
"Awhile back in our country, there was a lot of racial tension." Awhile back?? We still have racism and whatever the fuck "racial tension" means. "You know what bothered me even more? Some peoples posts stirred the pot." So people advocating and educating or sharing their heart break over a woman's murder (Heather Hayer) is stirring the pot and a sin? People talking about others marching against Nazis and Klan members is a sin? Fuck off, white man.
"Respect those in authority, and I mean in particular the President." Just because 1st Peter 2:17 tells people to respect the emperor, a man who lit people on fire for kicks or whatever the pastor said he did, doesn't mean I have to be nice to Trump who is destroying the "least of these." Why are you not outraged over his laws that abandon, destroy, or justify the murder of the least of these, when Matthew 25:40 states caring for those in the margins is caring for JESUS HIMSELF? Oh. I know why. Because his policies don't impact YOU so clearly it's not a problem.
"And all of you republicans thinking you aren't included in this, what you said about Obama was just as bad." Why didn't you fucking say that during the eight years he was president?? You had EIGHT years to call them out. It's too goddamn late.
"By the way, I'm allowed to now, by law." Hes talking about how he has the right to talk about politics from the pulpit now as the Johnson amendment was repealed. Because that's what we need. Pastors in churches telling their congregations what laws and politicians are godly so voting for anyone else is a sin by default.
"The only thing that will change our country is Jesus Christ... Some of us, by our political rants are causing road blocks for the scripture." You think me supporting planned parenthood is a road block. Because I think taking care of poor women is what loving my neighbor commands but I'm the problem. Not that I believe in or spread scripture anymore but you pastor, believe x and y are automatically anti-god because of your biases but you think you hold the corner on how to interpret the bible. That the bible is inerrant but some people have wrong interpretations and you have the right ones, no questions asked. Your close-mindedness disgusts me.
"If you and your boyfriend go on a vacation just the two of you and you post pictures of it, what are we supposed to assume about the sleeping arrangements?" Jesus fucking christ. You talk all day long about not conforming to the world and not worrying about what others think but now all of a sudden we need to be concerned with how we are perceived or else other people won't become christians?? This is gas-lighting. This is blaming ME for the thoughts and actions of OTHERS. If I, an ADULT, go on a vacation with my boyfriend and posted pictures of it, it is no one's goddamn business if we shared a bed or had sex of COULD of had sex, ya'll need to worry about your goddamn selves and watch some porn instead of thinking about me and my boyfriend boning.
"What are you doing talking to the opposite sex on chat rooms? Nothing good can come from it. You know it." I just. I was so afraid of men in high school and college, up until only recently did I figure out I can be friends with men, hang out one on one, text them, and it's not a sin or emotionally cheating on my boyfriend. Who goes on chat rooms these days? Unless the pastor is referring to cam girl chat rooms specifically and we are supposed to just pick up on that (also... not all people are into the opposite sex. Fun fact.).
"Ah I'm not gonna live my life that way, I don't care about what they think, they shouldn't worry about me! The problem is, that's not what the bible says... Your witness and God's reputation are at stake." Why is god's reputation so fallible? Isn't he.... god.
"Being happy about something, I got a promotion, you can be happy about that. But be careful with motive, because behind boasting is pride." Ah my "big sin" the one my leaders all told me I had in high school. How I could hate myself and be prideful?? Life's big mysteries.
"Whether you agree with what the research has shown or not-" I agree. Be compassionate is great advice. But your research is hardly substantial or trustworthy or "proof" that social media is bad/sin/causes climate change whatever the fuck your point was.
Throughout the sermon he tacked on: "Don't put words in my mouth," and he said something else about not misconstruing what he says, trying to tell us not to think he thinks social media use is a sin or that posting stuff is a sin, but literally all he says counteracts this. But it would be my fault for coming to the conclusion that talking about graduating from college on FB is boasting therefore a sin in his eyes because he told me not to put words in his mouth. This is called gaslighting. It makes me distrust my interpretation of what he's saying. But here's the thing, just because you say you don't mean X doesn't mean you get to say X and not be held accountable for saying X!
"We must apply something after walking out those doors." He threw this line into his closing prayer. Here's another fun fact, I don't have to do anything, certainly not "must do" whatever you tell me.
My atheist friend picked me up and bought me a bagel. When I got home I changed out of my white dress into a red one. I will be the whore, someone else can be Madonna.
Can't wait to visit next month and miss at least one Sunday sermon!
-Rachel