I went with my boyfriend to his dad’s church- and he did not prepare me beforehand. First, I was way overdressed. I don’t mind being overdressed in places I’m already comfortable in, but this was very very far away from my comfort zone. Secondly, I was not ready to respectfully compose my face when I saw a six-foot four man waving a giant orange flag to the beat of the music. Walking down the hallway toward the sanctuary, the music was already too loud. There were paintings on the wall, of black boys laughing, a black woman dressed in vibrant colors- it was stunning. And it made me expect a more diverse worship band (especially one with ten people) but they were all white. The mic-ed women were actually hearable though! The keyboardist would randomly play a trumpet- not to the music, but one long blast.
37 country flags hung on the interior of the sanctuary, including Israel’s. The boyfriend (he really needs a pseudonym) thinks they have a flag for every country they support a missionary in.
Sixteen-year-old me would have loved this place. At the back of the room, people were dancing with flags and large scarves, and interpretive dancing, jumping up and down, pacing… the worship set usually goes for thirty minutes (we came 15 minutes late). In high school, me and one other girl (she didn’t go as regularly as I) were the only demonstrative people during worship at youth group- at least at the interpretive dancing/sign language misappropriation level. This place would have been my jam.
The man who wrapped up the worship set with a half prayer/half baby sermon kept saying “Let us declare the supremacy of Christ” and “his great supremacy.” I did not like that word choice. At all. He said it four times, and as a white man, he should have just looked up a thesaurus and gotten a different term. He ended his prayer with the standard, “Why don’t you just turn and love on someone this morning.” *Shudder* I do not want to be loved on by strangers. I don’t love on anyone. I hate this phrase.
They played a video announcing all their upcoming events, including a high school lock-in. Belle, did you ever attend one? Ahaha They have an app! This church has its own app to track all the events. Hey, there are two out-of-state pastors giving the sermon this morning! A husband and wife duo. I’m pretty jazzed about this. Oh god she’s pregnant with her EIGHTH child and has experienced three miscarriages but looks young as hell. She must have had those pregnancies back to back. Her poor body. Now they are joking about their first one being their only son, “We got that out of the way.” You do not need to have a son. Sons are not better than daughters.
He just called his wife’s preaching style “adorable.” How patronizing and condescending do you have to be? Wait who is nannying their 7 children back in their home state? They better be being paid fairly to watch SEVEN children.
“We got married when I was 13.” People laughed at this man’s joke. This isn’t an appropriate joke. I shouldn’t have to explain this. When children as young as 11 are forced to marry their (much older) rapists in the United States, no one should be joking about it.
The wife opened the sermon talking about how sometimes she would hear god tell her how something would happen, and when it didn’t, she just misunderstood god’s tone. “I misunderstood what he was saying.” Why is she blaming herself for a god who can’t or chooses not to speak clearly? A divine who knows you completely and chooses to miscommunicate to what? Teach you a lesson? Remind you how small and clueless you are? A boss who did this would be hated, but a god does it and it’s not asshole behavior?
For tag-teaming, he sure does dominate. (UPDATE: She never once offered any biblical sermon points the entire time, just the occasional humorous story before her husband launched into a long winded and often hard to follow point.) He’s going on about how his wife uses a different tone with her son to emphasis if he’s in trouble and how we need to emphasis the “texture of the lords voice” in the “2-dimensional scripture” by studying the context, details, and repetition. He’s advocating for literary study. Why the wife didn't explain her tone variations is beyond me.
She’s finally talking again. Those poor kids and mom! She homeschools all seven. Her point is how exhausting it is to remind her kids the same things over and over again because they don’t “store” her words close. Does she not know anything about child development? Children cannot remember things like neurotypical adult brains can. That is not a sin. It’s annoying, it’s reason number 994 I don’t want to parent, but it’s not intentional or malicious.
They have only talked about their son, the first born. He’s the only anecdote? The six other girls haven’t done anything to remind you of god or tone? Now he’s telling us how he told his son not to drink alcohol, but encouraging us to have a beer with a neighbor because some commands are individual and some are communal. He never explains why he commanded his son to not drink. How old is he? Did he not want his child sullying his pastorly image? Did he tell his daughters not to drink too? Not that I really want him to tell any of his kids to never ever drink, but he could easily bring up his daughters here too. It’s like he’s intentionally not talking about them.
He. Talks. So. Much. God told him not to tour a Thai temple, he ignored this, then he had “symptoms like a heart attack” and his liver started shutting down on the flight home. God told him to pray three hours a day for seven days and on the seventh day god would heal him (and he was healed). So your god almost killed you with a “demon” by touring a temple and instead of healing his child he gave a list of requirements first? This is the god you believe in? A god who punished you with a weird and life threatening illness/demon? Did he get all his shots before going abroad?? I have questions.
I appreciate their point, god speaks to everyone differently and asks different things from them. Praying three hours a day for seven days won’t save or heal everyone, it only healed the pastor because god explicitly said so. At least they aren’t preaching ‘god will heal you if you tithe, and pray, and believe enough’ and then turn around and say ‘you aren’t healed yet because you don’t have enough faith.’ Good star for not being a super prick.
Heaven is, apparently, its own culture that we have to get to know by reading the Bible, like reading a travel guide before going to a foreign country. Knowing god by “approaching scripture” will create intimacy with god. Did you ever feel intimate with god, Belle? I did. Or I thought I did at the time- who knows.
They took an offering for the guest pastors- why didn’t they budget to pay them a reliable wage instead of guilting us into giving tithe AND a “love offering”?
So the service was wrapping up and a man announced the prophetic word stations. He spoke about being in the Philippines and missing here but being here and missing the Philippines. Then spouted off, “I’m a schizophrenic guy.” Firstly, I think he meant to stigmatize and co-opt the term Bipolar. When the word he should have used was discontent or torn between two cultures. But no no. We had to end a not abled sermon by making it abled. Good job.
I was tempted to stand in line and wait for a turn to sit in front of three people and have them look me in the eyes and give a prophetic word, as I had always wanted to have that done when I was religious, but it felt wrong to do it insincerely now, especially with how long the line was. People really took it seriously. Look at that! I have morals even though I don’t follow the Bible or think lying is super duper evil. I decided it would be disingenuous and sacrilegious to pretend, all on my own terms with my very own brain and conscious. It’s a miracle.
Gotta say, it was a nice change of pace from my parents church. I think visiting other churches will make this whole “church is required” thing a little more manageable. And now I can even drive myself to my parents’ church if my boyfriend ever wants to take a break from it- which I thoroughly expect. Anyway Belle, I love you, I want to hear all about your first day at your new job tomorrow! Much love from California,
-Rachel