I’m a fucking wreck but surprisingly, my parents don’t seem concerned I’ve skipped church for a month. At least, they understood me skipping today. In fact, my mom wished me happy studying and dad said enjoy the silence before they left. My aunt, uncle, and two cousins just left less than an hour ago after being here for six nights.
It is difficult to be around my aunt because her parenting style reminds me of how my parents parented me as a child (through middle school) although way more extreme. They seemed to chill the fuck out when I got to high school on the whole “immediate obedience, no questions, or else you are Disrespectful™ and will become a drug addict.” The last part is my addition, something had to motivate my parents and that is the motivation I am giving them. My aunt treats her youngest (my favorite cousin) way way worse than her oldest kid and watching my sweet cousin’s soul be crushed with frustration and heartbreak made me so sad.
My aunt also tends to baby everyone around her, including me. I know her intentions are good, but I am holed away in my room while everyone else is watching The Game, because I want to be alone. I do not need you checking in on me. I am not feeling left out, I want to be left out. And god the food talk! I know I’m not a parent but can’t a fourteen-year-old and a sixteen-year-old choose what they eat?? They weren’t eating bags and bags of chips or something- they just didn’t want to eat pork or that specific vegetable. My aunt definitely thinks I’m anorexic because she rarely saw me eat the entire time they were here because they ate at the ass crack of dawn and at 8pm. I ate when they weren’t here, not on purpose, I just eat at usual hours like 9am and 6pm. Also, I can be “blessed” with living at home rent free and at the same time, can’t wait to get the fuck out of dodge. I can do both. I’m really complex that way.
I did get to chat with my favorite cousin. I got to tell her our parents parenting ideology is called authoritarian parenting and parents don't always do the right thing. I told her I am with her in this. I just want to hug her forever and not let her leave. I wish I was bolder and told her it’s unbiblical- authoritarian parenting- it breaks basically everything Jesus said, but I also didn’t want to scare her away. She’s in the religion- and I know how distrusting I was of anyone not Christian when I was in her shoes.
Alright, my friend, that’s my brain dump on their visit. You know all about the ten thousand dollar mistake my school made that I corrected by sending a quick email and Jared from financial aid just casually re-added the grant I deserved and didn’t even apologize for their TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR ERROR. If I hadn’t found that email address, I would be ten thousand more dollars in debt. What other people had errors on their financial aid packets? I am feeling so nervous for them.
I am feeling so many feelings. I need a pause button and a sensory deprivation pool. I don’t have anything witty or funny to say in this post, except! I have four projects and three weeks left to this semester and then I will be over half way done with my degree! That’s exciting. I have no idea how I will feel on August tenth or during my week in a half break before the Fall semester. But I am feeling good about then, I think it’ll be good. I can’t wait for then.
-Rachel