I’ve been home from Oregon for a few days, but the trip feels oddly like a dream. The amount of consistent support, social interaction, and let’s be honest, attention that I got was so dopamine inducing. I smiled more those six days because I wanted to, not to please my dad or play the customer service role, but because I felt unadulteratedly happy. Blissful. So much laughing and vulnerability and it was met with empathy and mutual sharing. God was it wonderful. One of my old roommates took me to this amazing store called Paper Source and I am in love. I want all the pretty journals and stationary and sparkly desk knickknacks. I ran into someone while walking in our Alumni college town who I didn’t expect to see and she just announced my presence with a loud proclamation: “Rachel, you are a goddess!” It felt so wonderful to be back in that town, on that campus. It was the first place I was at home. It inspired me that someday I would find a home again. I did it once, I can do it again.
Surprisingly, I’m adjusting back to living with my parents easier than I expected. I did spend some time altering my budget to figure out how I can move out as soon as I’m done with grad school, but I don’t feel like I’m being emotionally suffocated. The trip restored me. You know the trip was weird; it wasn’t all doting professors and validating friends. A close friend blew me off almost the entire time. Another needed a lot of emotional support and time. And somewhere on the trip or on the plane, I caught strep. But I feel like I got more out of it than I gave. I’m not running on fumes anymore. I need to figure out how to refill my own tank, why I am sticking with this cliché metaphor?, but I don’t have to figure that out while empty. I can explore and create now, not in the state of depletion.
I am 24 hours on antibiotics and finally feel the inflammation of my poor throat going down. I even ate an entire meal for breakfast and managed to walk the dog (poor Max got no walks while I was away and missed two while I was on bed rest). The cat has liked me in this state, she’s been able to crawl all over me and get attention to her heart’s content. Medication is so amazing, Belle. I feel twenty times better already- although when I sneezed this morning my throat was in several seconds of distress. But I got out of church two weeks in a row, I think that was worth it.
But I am on the up and up and right on time for my summer intensive term beginning tomorrow! And I plan on going to a not evangelical church on Sunday. I’ve skipped so much without a peep from my parents, I don’t think they will be embolden to say anything if I try out a Quaker meeting or maybe an Episcopalian church. It’s not for me. I would much rather have my Sunday mornings to grocery shop in quiet solitude, but the way rent prices are in my area, I don’t want to risk rocking the boat to the point of eviction. And as we know, my parents do not know how to state boundaries and expectations nor receive mine. I just gotta play the game. Check the boxes. Eleven more months.
I hope I sound more hopeful, less desperate, than some of my earlier posts, as I’m feeling more hopeful. I can’t wait to call you this week and catch up <3
-Rachel