The air quality of my town is down to 63! Gonna walk the dog and have work this afternoon, which makes me excited because I need some damn structure in my life for me to get my shit together. Having an unexpected day off yesterday was not fantastic. I need to plan in advance, set a few goals, do some stretching and brush my damn teeth as two of them, or else I will lay in bed with grubby teeth and watch Hulu all day which is not relaxing or restoring in the excess I partook… Anyway, California is starting to not be on fire, my semester is wrapping up, I’ve started working on my final portfolio due in April, things are looking up. My canker sore is finally receding too! Happy Sunday, praise the avocados.
What are you doing today? Unpacking religious beliefs? Cuddling with that sweet dog of yours? Eating lots of good food? Shit I need to go grocery shopping now the smoke is down. Gonna splurge on some Dave’s Killer Bagels, which is easily two dollars more for one less bagel than the other brands- what is up with that? Just because it’s a “healthy” brand it gets to be that much more expensive? Per our convo yesterday, I am thinking more seriously about just moving the fuck out of the house as soon as I have a fulltime paycheck instead of hanging around a few more months to pay down all my student loans. Living with mom is exhausting. She keeps trying to talk to me at seven in the morning, I barely respond, I’ve told her multiple times to leave me alone in the mornings throughout my life, and my boundary does not matter. She still needs to be “nice” by saying good morning and asking me weird questions first thing. That comes before me. And this tiny thing, repeated all the time, just affirms she does not respect me or know how to respect me, as a human with preferences. And yet she still has to wonder why I “hide” in my room? I just don’t get it.
Every morning interaction reminds me of this one period of my childhood where she decided she was going to train my brother and I to be morning people like her. One of her methods was trying to convince me not being a morning person was a sin. Boy did that fuck me up. But then I went to college and had a roommate my freshman year who was hella chill! We would nod our heads in greeting and go abut our routines and when we would see each other later that afternoon we would talk. It was wonderful. When I had a housemate like my mom my junior year of college, it made me so damn livid because I knew what it could be like to not be badgered in the morning (this housemate would take my aloofness as her mission to try and make me feel better, by doing more of the thing that was putting me off in the first place. I memorized her schedule and changed mine so I would never be in the kitchen at the same time as her in the mornings, cause she didn’t get it either.). But my senior year I had such lovely housemates who didn’t very loudly say good morning! And now I’m back here. Again.
This seems so small, writing it out. But it really does have such a big impact on me (and this is one of many things that makes my parents and I incompatible housemates). Ugh I need something. To journal more or something to come to grips with this reality. Who knows when the librarian list will go up, fingers crossed it’s a month before I graduate. And then I don’t have a great shot at that without being a library assistant first! And there’s nothing I can do about that until one of those positions go up so I just mentally work out possible scenarios which is Oh so helpful… Imagine what I would be like without my job? Getting out regularly and putting money towards my savings goals is helping exponentially. The driving is still rocky (cough cough fucking awful cough) but I’m doing it on a regular basis. I think I need to sit down and write out a giant To Done List, scratching out all the things I’m doing well and accomplishing. Taking a moment to do an affirmation like that sounds super right, and I’m listening to my gut these day so I’ma schedule it in right now. Let me know if you do something like it too.
Let’s talk soon, hearing your snapchat video laughing at my rendition of the Bible Rap made my heart so happy <3
-Rachel B.