And we are back in the stuck chapter of my life. I was feeling more stable after my fender bender on April 25th but dad had to go full on Hulk after I dared to complain they failed to tell me the spare key had been given to the cleaning lady, leaving me locked out. A normal roommate would have apologized for forgetting to tell a member of the household the spare key is now not there. He couldn’t tolerate me having a tone of frustration, accused me of yelling (I wasn’t) then got in my face and victim blamed me for them not telling me this. I was equal parts livid and terrified. My dad is almost a full foot taller than me and leered into my face to verbally cower me into the submission he thinks is respect. He dismissed all of my concerns and boundaries when I dared tried to counter him, until I finally fell silent and he strutted off with what he thought was a smug victory. What a petulant child.
He doesn’t even get it- he has no fucking clue how scared I was. I still am. He went that level of angry and volatile over such a non-vulnerable sharing on my part? Yet he has the audacity to blame me for never talking with him. Why the fuck would I talk to someone who has never proven I can trust them or they trust me? He constantly brushes off what I say, how I feel. For fucks sake he doesn’t even believe I was stalked. I’ve crunched the numbers, I won’t have a deposit saved up until November, but I can’t move out until I finish school and pick up more hours at work. My boyfriend cut me a house key so at least I have somewhere to go if I want to get away from dad but I can’t move in there even though they have an extra bedroom because church people will think we are having premarital sex and we can’t have that. (I am high levels of bitter at everything, however I know it is not my boyfriend's family's responsibility to let me move in and pay a pittance rent).
My main takeaway is this middle aged man did not know how to use his words to say something like “I wish our relationship was better, what can I do to invest in it?” or “I feel sad you don’t spend much time with me.” No, he had to scream in my face about how I never spend time with him. He’s not entitled to my time. I do not owe him my time. If he wants to see me, he should make plans in advance. It’s not hard. Not that I want to spend time with him now, not after the screaming or the countless times he demeaned me and my experiences. Mom is planning a family dinner tonight to talk everything out. I’m not holding my breath much will change. My entire life Dad hasn’t taken me or my concerns seriously unless I am crying. This is who he is- I’m just dramatic unless I can prove with tears that what I’m saying "genuinely" matters.
Jesus the past three weeks have fucking sucked. Not to mention the bullshit money sermon yesterday. Aren’t I good at transitions? The church lobby had signs out featuring Proverbs 31 verses and little paper boxes with chocolates covered a table. Fuck Proverbs 31 rhetoric and all praise to strong, powerful mothers- particularly those in religions that discriminate against and minimize them. The children’s pastor made a Mother’s Day announcement, but he talked about men so often I couldn’t tell it was about moms. He invited all women to take a paper box because all women “Make us better men.” 1. Stop talking about the emotional labor women provide for men on a day that’s about moms’ parenting skills and house management. 2. This holiday is not for all women, that’s International Women’s Day, this holiday is for mothers! Stop being shittily inclusive!
Fuck church etiquette that made a dear friend of mine I haven’t seen in months feel like we couldn’t catch up during the worship set because community shouldn’t come before god. Fuck any religion that requires a god being put before human contact and reunions. UGHHH Why does the head pastor keep doing shitty slideshows as intros to his sermons? I don’t want to see a picture of Drumpf’s face ever, not even if you are making fun of his hair. Try harder at making better openings.
Why aren’t we hearing a sermon about biblical mothers? Or maybe women who made biblical men better men? Why is the sermon on Mother’s Day not even on women?
Point number 1: Get an umbrella before it pours. How the hell anyone can save in the East Bay Area to build their metaphorical umbrella is beyond me. You, megachurch pastor, might have expendable income but I certainly don’t. I would love to be “wise and store up choice food” (Proverbs 21:20). Here comes the object lessons. Look, I’m not superstitious but do you really have to open a giant umbrella and a kids umbrella for us to understand a larger savings account is more secure and better at keeping us “dry”? He pulled a cocktail umbrella out of his pocket and ripped the umbrella part off the toothpick when he announced, “The average American saves -25%.” The cocktail part was actually funny, but where are your sources?
“I can’t start saving this year, but next year- Well I don’t believe you. You can start saving this year.” Fuck off, you have no idea if they can or cannot. Then he launched into a hypothetical horror story about a parent needing to save four to five thousand dollars by January to pay for their kid’s (weirdass) illness (that won’t need treatment for seven months?!) and asked if they would figure out how to start saving now. No comment on how shitty our healthcare system is, either. This man has no idea what it’s like to be poor and he’s forgotten what it’s like to be broke, if he even ever was that.
His “practical” advice is skip Starbucks and wash dry-clean only clothes on cold and never grocery shop hungry or without a list. Stop smoking and start eating leftovers. Just quit an addition as easily as eating food, those two items are totally comparable and of course they should be in the same sentence *rolls eyes*.
“Every economist- every financial advisor says pay in cash and never credit card.” Firstly, false. Not every. In fact, many advisors suggest you build good credit and develop healthy credit card habits and take advantage of point systems to make your money work for you. I bet it’s more likely financial advisors all say don’t use credit cards if you have spending compulsions or are in severe credit card debt. Unless your Dave Ramsey but fuck him. He gave me a complex, I was so terrified to use a credit card when I got one at 19 that I confessed after every time I used it thinking Ramsey’s nonsense anti-all-debt was biblical. Credit cards aren’t evil and credit score is a requirement in this society. Nor did I ever go into debt- most stores just didn’t accept my bank’s ATM card and I didn't have a bank near campus to get cash.
Belle. Did you know saving can be as fun as spending? You just have to learn to love it, just like you learn to love spending. Spending money definitely doesn’t have positive chemical reactions in the brain that aren’t unlearned at all but biological. Science isn’t real in church, don’t you know?
He just said we should give to charities and now he’s shitting on giving money to homeless people because “the rescue mission even says 8 or 9 of the ten spend it on drugs and cigarettes.” Firstly, if you choose to give something to anyone, you don’t get to dictate what the recipients do with it. Secondly, if I was homeless and had no healthcare I would cope with my situation through chemical stimulation too! Alcohol makes you feel warm, which is important if you have to sleep outside in the winter. Fuck you. Give to people if you can and want to and get over your control freak self. And don’t forgot to include the word people or person when you quote a non-cited statistic about homeless people, they are demeaned and dehumanized enough.
“Even secular financial advisers say you should give at least 4% to charities.” Bro. Secular people aren’t evil and never think about others. When do secular advisers advise this? Do they suggest people begin donating even when they are paycheck to paycheck? Do they claim “investing seed money” will magically grow their money the way televangelists manipulate people into donating out of their means? Or do SOME financial advisers advocate in supporting your community once you are financially stable? Unlike most churches, who shame you into tithing ten percent regardless of stability because the Bible says so.
“You have to temper your hobbies or else you can go a little cray cray.” No. Stop. Appropriating black slang, you, a racist ass who can’t even say the word racism. In fact, you do racist shit like mocking Tagalog on stage or telling me I’ve stopped “act[ing] like a homeless African” by wearing shoes.
Now he’s talking about compulsive spending and the sale cycle without mentioning capitalism, mental health care, or how to minimize or manage compulsions! SO applicable. Why didn’t he just print out a link to You Need a Budget seminars, which give actual financial advice with accessible language and tangible action steps.
“If you go frugal on the big-ticket items, you can splurge on the daily stuff. Most can’t do both- unless you are super blessed.” Like… you? Are you in student loan debt with your second halfway through college or do you get a pastor discount unlike my parents who chose to go in debt to make my brother and I able to get through it?
“We need to learn to spend our wage, act our wage… for those of you who are younger, don’t try to act your parents wage, you’re not there yet! It’s called entitlement.” Firstly, what millennials do you know blowing money on golf clubs and new cars? Secondly, that’s not what entitlement means, hunny. You really need to get a dictionary. Spending money you don’t have is unwise financial decisions, not entitlement. Also, as I’ve stated before in response to your favorite financial advice, not everyone has a wage that allows them to live without debt.
“Learn to say no. Here let’s practice.” He then had the audience say no after prompts like “Ladies, do you really need that new pair of shoes?” and “Guys do you really need a new flat screen?” How is a forty dollar pair of shoes comparable to a three hundred dollar TV..? Why do you never teach women how to say no to their husbands? Oh that’s right, you advocate for marital rape as women’s sexual desires don’t matter and they must always be available to their husbands because their husbands are the head of the household and women’s bodies belong to their husbands.
Belle. The Bible is clear on debt. It’s okay with going into debt for “appreciating items” like education or a house but not “depreciating items” like cars and furniture. And god doesn’t call debt sin, but he frowns on it. No don’t ask for any bible verses to prove this because the pastor didn’t give any so just trust him. Oh! But it could be a sin if you have a sinful attitude when going into debt. He didn’t say if healthcare debt was appreciating or depreciating which is a huge crisis in our country, how could he not include this?
Wait, here are some verses he uses to prove his point that never ever distinct between types of debt but still totally prove his point: Proverbs 10:22, Proverbs 22:7, and Deuteronomy 28:12. “You are literally enslaved to them [creditors].” You can talk about figurative slavery and use a filler to manipulate credibility, but you can’t talk about the impacts of literal slavery?
He keeps saying god doesn’t want you to buy depreciating items without citing where he gets this except for round-about ways like doing so is a “maturity problem.” People with no self-control or patience “aren’t as filled by the holy spirit or as controlled by god as you should be.” No mention of people with no brain capacity to develop self-control. Or people who need help replacing this coping skill with a healthy one and giving them support that addresses their trauma. Or people who don’t have a livable wage and can’t fucking do anything to stay out of debt. Just shaming all over people who have debt, which statistically is most if not all of his audience. Also, why the fuck would I want to be controlled by anything or anyone? That’s fucking terrifying.
He ended by showing a video of gazelles getting away from a lion then said “I could have picked a video with a different ending” cause debt will MURDER you like a lion needing to eat!? Proverbs 6:5 uses a hell of a lot of hyperbole and metaphor that you treat as realism. Do you have no concept of literary techniques?
AHAHAHAHAHA yes. Yes they did pass out the offering buckets after the sermon. Of course they did.
-Rachel.
P.S. For kicks I searched through my old posts to see how many money sermons have gone down since I started attending last June. One in August, one in September referenced finances, and I missed a sermon on money in December. Read through those old sermons and see if any of yesterday's sermon was new or helpful.